Sunday, May 23, 2010

Belonging, Part Two


"You, you got me;
Me, I got you ... you ..."
Frank Loesser

DAY 226:  So ... here's Part Two.
 
I spent most of the day revisiting some territory I've been trying to remove from my personal map of places to visit.  It's kind of surprising that today followed such a wonderful day of feeling that sense of "belonging."  Or maybe it's not so surprising ... after a full, happy day of being surrounded by friends in my work and theatre families, I retreated a bit into a world of loneliness and low self-esteem.  I don't know why it happens, but it does.  It used to happen more frequently, and I've gotten so much better at kicking myself out of it.  Today, I had a bit of difficulty finding that strength and confidence.  I so want to abandon the occasional "pity parties," and had promised myself in the New Year that I would treat myself better ... today was a back-slide.  But, I refuse to punish myself for it (beyond the emotional eating I've been doing today).  My penance will be putting it down in words, because there's nothing better (at least for me) than writing it down.
 
I've never had a successful relationship, and the older I get ... I'll be 50 in about 6 months ... the more I'm afraid that I will never find "that person."  There's no doubt that I have a LARGE group of loving and faithful friends who would do just about anything for me and want what's best for me.  But, it's just NOT. THE. SAME.  I pride myself on being a decent, caring, generous, thoughtful person ... I'm intelligent, creative, and witty.  Why am I still alone?  I don't get it ... and while there are LOTS and LOTS of days when it doesn't bother me and I thrive on my "me time," there are days like today when it comes screaming home.  Sorry ... I told you I was in "pity party" mode.  I promise it won't last long ...
 
So, what am I grateful for today?  I'm grateful that I can have days like yesterday to look back on and realize I have friends that WANT to be around me, and whose hugs convince me EVERY time that I am someone of value and worth.  This I know FOR CERTAIN and it's because of this I know I'm never truly alone in this world ... far from it ...
 
Plus ... my nearly-every-night rehearsals for Parade start this week ... I won't have any TIME to dwell on it.

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